back from the beach

aahhhh just got back from a few days in Rehoboth with Mr. Fairfax's parents, feeling refreshed and excited to start thinking about the wedding again! I really tried to not think about work or wedding planning (except when it came up a couple times with the future-in-laws). Now that the break's over I'm somehow ten times more excited about getting married than I was just last week. I sort of flit between wanting to focus on the little details vs. the big picture vs. the Ever After vs. etcetera. I'm just feeling happy in love today.

I don't even have much to report right now, but I was thrilled to come back to see 17 NearlyWed posts waiting in my Google reader - everyone's been chatty this week! I'm excited to see that I'm not the only one contemplating just taking up caligraphy. I'm still not 100% on that idea but I've definitely toyed with it. Our envelopes are going to be brown (like a paper bag - see photo, courtesy of Artful Beginnings, the brilliant etsy seller who's doing my invites) so I'm still figuring out the best way to work with those. Will black ink stand out well enough against it? Or should I get labels? I've seen the wrap-around kind where the addressee is on the front and the label wraps around to the back and that's where the return address is.. Here's an example of what I mean (and a free template if you're interested!) but I would do something non-damask..

Speaking of addressing envelopes - just in case people aren't reading all the comments, I wanted to echo tealengthtulle (who commented on Miss Chevy Chase's question about etiquette) with the suggestion that you check out A Practical Wedding for a great post about this. Even if you don't identify yourself as a feminist, I think you will like it. Personally I would rather take advice about this kind of thing from a fellow bride than a person who makes a living off of very formal invitations.. Yes she is experienced and knows what she's talking about (and she has a point; I'm sure people appreciate formality and feeling special) - but at the same time, it is in her best interest to convince you that your invitations are so incredibly sacred that you need to pay her to letter them. Sooo I tend to be wary of that kind of thing. But I'm probably too cynical.

In other news.. I booked my day-of coordinator! woop woop. Well nothing's been signed yet but after a little negotiation, I said "we're in!" Anyone else getting some day-of help? I was a bit worried about having to deal with this stuff myself on my wedding day, or asking a guest to help coordinate and clean up. Now I can rest easy knowing that someone else will be there to think of everything.

Invitation Etiquette???

In preparation for sending out my STDs, I’ve been collecting addresses, filling out spreadsheets, trying to decide how to address my guests, and reading Miss Woodley Park’s post on calligraphy.  And I’m wondering just how much traditional etiquette really matters.

For example – since I don’t intend to pay for calligraphy (there goes etiquette right there!), do I need to hand-write the addresses, or can I print them? Do I need inner envelopes? If I do use inner envelopes, do I have to refer to my married doctor friends as “The Doctors Doe,” or can I use “John and Jane”? The latter feels more personal to me, while the former feels pretentious. I don’t think I want people at my wedding who are offended that I addressed them by first name on a formal envelope. But then, maybe my friends will be touched by a bit of formality in an otherwise casual, abbreviated written world. (Idk what 2 do!)

For the last few weeks, I’ve had this plan in my head (I haven’t shared it with anyone, even Mr. CC – it’s been fairly abstract): use formal etiquette on the outer envelope. Instead of an inner envelope, use a label on a belly band or pocket fold (invitations are not yet designed) and address my guests casually, by first name or nickname.  That way, I can make clear who is invited (+/- guest) without wasting paper/$/postage on an inner envelope. But then yesterday, a recently-married friend directed me to this guide (a very helpful resource!), published by a calligrapher, which suggests that guests always appreciate the formal touch:

“A RECENT TREND:  Using just first names on inner envelopes: “Sally and Tom.”  What’s up with this?  This is the equivalent of wearing your running shoes with your elegant wedding gown.  An inner envelope, in and of itself, indicates a formal event and calls for traditional wording.  I’ve worked with brides who claim that addressing the inner envelopes with “Ms. Johnson” instead of “Sarah” sounds stuffy.  Let me reassure you: when your recipients open a traditionally addressed invitation, they will not think of you as stuffy at all!  They will feel special and value your good taste. VERY IMPORTANT:  Traditional addressing reflects the formality of the EVENT – not the level of formality of a friendship.”

Hmm … that comment was basically directed right at me … I know that I can forgo the etiquette and ignore this woman’s experience and advice, but do I want to?

My Two Wedding Etiquette Books

I think I wrote about etiquette books before, but now that I'm SO much further along with my planning and have actually really used a few, I wanted to share the two that have been my "go to" books.


The first book is Diane Warner's Contemporary Guide to Wedding Etiquette, which I inherited from The Big Sister. I was skeptical of this book from the get-go as the sub-title is "Advice From America's Most Trusted Wedding Expert," and I had never heard of this woman, and I do consider myself to be a bit of an etiquette maven. When I got into the book there were a few bits that just turned me off completely. Passages like:

"If you fiance isn't excited about going with you to set up gift registries, don't worry about it. Take along your mom or best friend for advice and establish the registries yourself. With today's contemporary choices, however, most men get a kick out of registering for something they understand, like a power drill."

Now, no doubt most dudes don't love spending an entire day debating Vera Wang china versus Kate Spade (I can hear him now, "Who is Kate Spade?"), but this antiquated attitude is perhaps a bit too pervasive in the book for my tastes. After reading a few passages along those lines, I found myself flipping to the front to see when this edition was printed, 2005 to my surprise!! I could go into greater detail here, but I won't bore you.

Anyway, Diane Warner drove me out to Barnes & Noble to search for my own etiquette book with an attitude that was a bit more modern and in line with my own. Since the Emily Post book wasn't in paper back that day, I ended up purchasing Elise Mac Adam's "Something New." Elise is the etiquette column over on IndieBride, one of my favorite message board sites for brides. I had devoured her columns in my first few months as an engaged lady, and knew I was comfortable to her approach. Elise's advice spoke to me more than Diane's because she takes the modern world into account in her advice more. I'm sure many of us are familiar with wacky familiar dynamics of divorce, mixed families, the greater flexibility of wedding styles, the list goes on. One of my favorite features of "Something New" is the letters section at the back of each chapter. Elise uses letters from real brides to illustrate the points made in each chapter. For example, in the chapter on thank you notes, there is a letter from a bride whose thank you notes were mishandled and returned to her by the post office along with Elise's advice to that bride.


Even though I wasn't crazy about Diane's book in the beginning, I have to admit, I've utilized both books equally. I've consulted Elise's book when I've needed some advice on things that are open to interpretation (how to handle invites when there are multiple parties involved in the hosting or dealing with budgets and parents, or guest list negotiations) and I've consulted Diane when I needed more factual advice (such as how to address and invitation to a widow, or who is traditionally included in the rehearsal dinner). Not to say that each book couldn't serve both purposes on their own, but this is how I've used them.

I will paraphrase a favorite saying of mine from Miss Manners here to make my final point. Etiquette isn't about adhering to a bunch of arbitrate rules for the sake of tradition and tradition alone. Etiquette is about treating others with respect and making those around you as comfortable as possible. I think by using both books, the "hard & fast rule book" and the more "modern approach" (which I think Diane Warner would consider a bit hippy dippy) I was able to find a great compromise that still keeps at heart the comfort and best interests of everyone involved.

Have you relied on a particular etiquette source during your planning? Any etiquette book recommendations (or warnings!)??